Help! Why have my Emotions Hijacked my Brain?
Do conversations with your partner escalate to a point of no return? Do they quickly spiral out of control because your reactions are hurtful, unwarranted, incorrect, one-sided, and spiteful? When the dust finally settles, are you left wondering why the emotional side of your brain hijacked the logical side?
When you experience these feelings, they’re the result of flooding, which makes it practically impossible to have a healthy conversation with your partner. When flooding happens, your ability to take in information decreases, you become more defensive, you are unable to effectively problem-solve, and your capacity to listen and empathize is diminished.
It is important to recognize the physical sensations of flooding so you and your partner can take a break to calm down.
What are the warning signs?
Increased heart rate
Muscle tension
Feeling hot
Raising your voice
Balling your fists
Shaking
Diminished ability to reason
Impaired memory
Decreased ability to gain perspective
Unfortunately, taking a break is sometimes easier said than done when you are flooded.
Once stress and anger levels reach a certain point, you reach a “point of no return.” The emotional side of your brain hijacks the logical side of your brain, which causes you to become flooded with negative feelings and intense emotions. This makes it difficult to disengage from your partner to stop the argument from spiraling out of control.
What should I do?
Take a break from the conversation. A cooling-down period gives your body and brain the time to return to a normal, non-flooded, state so you will be able to effectively reason and think clearly.
Establish with your partner an agreed upon “code word” you will both use when conversations start to escalate to an argument. When either one of you says the code word, it is time to take a break.
One company, HeartMath, which is known for developing techniques that can be beneficial in managing your emotions, offers two helpful techniques:
This one-minute technique can help you feel calmer, confirm what you already know, or a shift in your perspective to view the situation in a more balanced state.
Acknowledge – recognize the problem and any attitudes or feelings about it.
Heart-focused breathing – focus your attention on your heart. Visualize your breath flowing in and out of your heart or chest area, breathe slower and deeper than usual (e.g., inhale 5 seconds, exhale 5 seconds).
Activate a positive or renewing feeling – make a genuine effort to experience a renewed feeling such as appreciation or care for someone or something in your life.
Ask – once you are in a more objective mindset, ask yourself, “What would be a more effective attitude, action, or solution?”
Observe and act – quietly notice any subtle changes in viewpoints, attitudes, or feelings. Make a commitment to nurture these beneficial attitude shifts and act on new insights.
This technique can help you better manage your emotions, transforming them instead of repressing them. It also can be useful for the deeper, more complicated issues.
Recognize the problem. Understand how you feel about a current problem.
Center yourself. Breathe deeply and focus on developing a positive feeling or attitude for 30 seconds or longer to help anchor your attention.
Be objective. Assume the feeling or problem is someone else’s, not yours.
Rest in this objective state. Allow your rational self to absorb new perspectives and possibilities.
Bring it to the heart. Take your heightened feelings and the emotional energy that is out of balance and shift it to focus on lowering your heart rate.
Shift your thinking. It is not the problem that causes flooding, often it is the stored significance your thinking has assigned to it.
Seek within yourself. Look for guidance or insight. If you are still struggling, find something you appreciate for a while.
Repeat the steps as needed.
These are just some of the exercises you can use when you are feeling flooded. If you and your partner are interested in exploring the underlying causes of flooding, please contact me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
I offer therapy services to individuals and couples in the state of Arizona. If you do not reside in Arizona, go to Psychology Today to find a therapist in your area.
